This stuff is lethal. Even in small doses. But I find that I can’t get away from it. Its everywhere. Blocking my path to everywhere I want to be.
Conversation with two colleagues who appear to know more than me about a particular subject. Enter fear, I shut down and am completely unresponsive.
Offered perfect job except with compensation that makes a comfortable lifestyle challenging. Enter fear, take it because what if I never get the chance again and ignore the psychological toll it may take on you.
Asked to write a blog post about something. Enter fear, I worry topic may be beyond me or that people won’t take my voice seriously and suffer writing paralysis.
Can not let go of something that, in all reality, is probably not best for me, because I’m just not sure something better will come along.
But how would life be different if I:
risked coming off as stupid and just flat out said, “I don’t know, I’m learning, too.”
took a different job, less perfect, but one less psychologically taxing because of financial strain.
learned from feedback on my post and shared my perspective simply because its an important exercise and let people think what they may.
Said goodbye to the boy for good.
I don’t know. I wish I had the strength to do these things. But I find myself so weak lately. Disillusioned, lonely, frustrated, worn out a l little.
I find myself laughing to myself about the most absurd things just to try and keep a smile on my face. Singing opera in the shower with my own made up words about the geckos hiding in my shower. Spraying spiders with the butt gun next to the toilet. The power goes out, the internet doesn’t work, and I just laugh. Not in a healthy laugh kind of way. More in the “if one more thing goes wrong I think I’ll collapse of exhaustion” kind of way.
During my early months here, I often wondered if I’d last the whole time. Around October those thoughts went away. But now they’re back again. I walk into work with the weight of everything else going on and I think to myself “If I can just have a good day here, then everything else is worth it.” But recently, there have been a string of days that leave me doubting my sanity (well, moreso than usual, I’ve always been a little crazy).
I’ve got it! I’m afraid mostly that people won’t think I’m worth it. That they won’t think I was worth hiring, that I’m not worth getting to know, that I’m not worth mentoring, that I’m not worth supporting, that I’m not worth waking up early to call, that I’m not worth dating, that I’m not worth partnering with, that I’m not worth visiting,
Enough of my rambling. I haven’t been doing great recently . I just need to make it to Sunday and start back with some important things I’ve been neglecting and maybe things will come around…