Fear

This stuff is lethal. Even in small doses. But I find that I can’t get away from it. Its everywhere. Blocking my path to everywhere I want to be.

Conversation with two colleagues who appear to know more than me about a particular subject. Enter fear, I shut down and am completely unresponsive.

Offered perfect job except with compensation that makes a comfortable lifestyle challenging. Enter fear, take it because what if I never get the chance again and ignore the psychological toll it may take on you.

Asked to write a blog post about something. Enter fear, I worry topic may be beyond me or that people won’t take my voice seriously and suffer writing paralysis.

Can not let go of something that, in all reality, is probably not best for me, because I’m just not sure something better will come along.

But how would life be different if I:
risked coming off as stupid and just flat out said, “I don’t know, I’m learning, too.”

took a different job, less perfect, but one less psychologically taxing because of financial strain.

learned from feedback on my post and shared my perspective simply because its an important exercise and let people think what they may.

Said goodbye to the boy for good.

I don’t know. I wish I had the strength to do these things. But I find myself so weak lately. Disillusioned, lonely, frustrated, worn out a l little.

I find myself laughing to myself about the most absurd things just to try and keep a smile on my face. Singing opera in the shower with my own made up words about the geckos hiding in my shower. Spraying spiders with the butt gun next to the toilet. The power goes out, the internet doesn’t work, and I just laugh. Not in a healthy laugh kind of way. More in the “if one more thing goes wrong I think I’ll collapse of exhaustion” kind of way.

During my early months here, I often wondered if I’d last the whole time. Around October those thoughts went away. But now they’re back again. I walk into work with the weight of everything else going on and I think to myself “If I can just have a good day here, then everything else is worth it.” But recently, there have been a string of days that leave me doubting my sanity (well, moreso than usual, I’ve always been a little crazy).

I’ve got it! I’m afraid mostly that people won’t think I’m worth it. That they won’t think I was worth hiring, that I’m not worth getting to know, that I’m not worth mentoring, that I’m not worth supporting, that I’m not worth waking up early to call, that I’m not worth dating, that I’m not worth partnering with, that I’m not worth visiting,

Enough of my rambling. I haven’t been doing great recently . I just need to make it to Sunday and start back with some important things I’ve been neglecting and maybe things will come around…

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2 thoughts on “Fear

  1. Jenna says:

    I love you, Alicia! You know there’s a more-than-a-man who died to be with you because he loves you so much. Don’t listen to the lies, don’t dwell on the condemnation. I so often find myself there, too, so I know how hard it is to get out of the depths of that thinking. So I’m here to say – the feelings and fears of worthlessness are not true! I will be praying for you 🙂

  2. Jonathan says:

    Hmm… For what it’s worth I don’t see you (or know anyone who does see you) as a “fearful person.” But fear is a pretty normal reaction to a lot of things, and our reaction to our own fear is more important than the fear itself.

    I don’t know the specifics of these examples you’re writing about, but let me reinterpret them for you.

    1

    You wrote: Conversation with two colleagues who appear to know more than me about a particular subject. Enter fear, I shut down and am completely unresponsive.

    Reinterpretation: you quietly listen and learn a lot.

    Could have been: Enter fear, I start talking as though I know what I’m talking about, make a fool of myself, and don’t really learn anything.

    2

    You wrote: Offered perfect job except with compensation that makes a comfortable lifestyle challenging. Enter fear, take it because what if I never get the chance again and ignore the psychological toll it may take on you.

    Reinterpretation: you take the job anyway because you know it will be a good learning experience even though it may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done.

    Could have been: Enter fear, don’t take the job because I’m not willing to take any risks.

    3

    You wrote: Asked to write a blog post about something. Enter fear, I worry topic may be beyond me or that people won’t take my voice seriously and suffer writing paralysis.

    Reinterpretation: Enter fear, I over-think the blog post, do a lot of (too much?) research and actually write something really interesting.

    Could have been: Enter fear, and suffer writing paralysis and DON’T write anything. Ever.

    4

    You wrote: Can not let go of something that, in all reality, is probably not best for me, because I’m just not sure something better will come along.

    I don’t know anything about this one. But I do know commitment can be just as or more terrifying than walking away.

    You’re an impressive woman in my book, Alicia. 而已。

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