Its 4 in the morning…

Its 4 in the morning.  I’ve been sleeping off and on through the night, but mostly off.  I’ve been up from worry, from anticipation that I might be able to successfully call home, awakened by the erratic internet connections that enable spotify and interrupt my sleep with bursts of music in the headphones I fell asleep still wearing impatiently waiting for the music to work.  Tonight’s music is a combination of Christian worship and swing music—both great for settling my mood. An earplug falls out during my very restricted tossing and turning in my small bed.  A flying bug hovers close enough over my ear that I’m awaken again, swatting and checking for other pests and scanning the room.  I always pay particular attention to my bedroom door which opens directly to the outside.  The door is not the right size and doesn’t go all the way to the floor or meet the frame completely at the top.  These open spaces make me nervous for bugs and I sleep, or at least fall asleep, with my eyes trained on the area to watch for intruders (of the tiny variety).  I keep several pairs of shoes lined up in front of my bed to throw at any movement I see across the room.  Since the mouse encounter I’ve slept with the lights on.  Once I wake up I lie in place wondering if I made a mistake and overestimated my ability to adapt and learn new things.  Maybe, at 28 I’m too old for this.  But there are others here even older than me making the same transition and they seem fine.  Maybe like me, however, they want to put up a strong front, like all is well. Before falling back asleep I come around to reminding myself that I can do this and its a great opportunity and I should focus on the positive.  I’m thirsty and out of water, but the water jug is in the kitchen downstairs, refilling it would require me to go outside.

The next time I wake up, my computer, which is still open on the bed in front of me shows that at some point while I slept the internet worked and I have a notification on facebook.  I get excited thinking it’s a friend, but its not. I wake up later and see that I have email, but I’ve learned that more often than not its just emails from a listserv that, even though I tried 4 times to unsubscribe from before moving here, I still get and this time its no exception.  I check the internet for information on my Korean dramas that I haven’t been able to watch for a month. I try calling home because the Skype icon has turned black which means there’s a stronger internet connection but my mom and sister can’t hear me.  After giving up and emailing, I start to take it personally that the internet isn’t working.  Earlier in the day, I talked to a couple that has the same exact internet USB and plan that I have and they can skype just fine, along with everything else.  I think to myself if anybody’s skype shouldn’t be working it should be theirs because they have each other here and I have no one.  I try to breathe deeply and then for just a moment wonder what that noise is, and then I remember that inside my bedroom this wheeze is what breathing sounds like for me.  Tonight in my frustration I have moved the tissue box next to my backpack/pillow to more easily catch my frustrated tears. 

And now I wait for the go-ahead signal of the music coming back on AND the skype icon being black to attempt uploading this post I’ve written in Word onto the blog.  If it works on the first try I’ll celebrate by closing the computer and packing it away, turning the overhead light off (but leaving on the night stand light), and laying down trying to sleep again for a couple hours or so before I have to get up and get ready to leave.  Tomorrow, I’m visiting the home of one of my staff in the countryside and he’s picking me up at 8. I guess even if it doesn’t work on the first try sleep still sounds like a good idea.  It’s 5:15 now, starting to get light, and the chicken have started their morning chorus so even though I’ll pack my computer away, maybe I’ll leave in the headphones…

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One thought on “Its 4 in the morning…

  1. Jenna says:

    I know I’m late on this reply, and that I’ve read this one before, but I’m catching up on what I’ve missed … and though I know this response isn’t to the point of the post, have you considered a mosquito net to help you rest easier? They keep all manner of bugs away, and I always feel like a princess when I get to sleep under one. 🙂

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